Random Thoughts: Season four
by Kizmet
Summary: POV pieces for various characters from BtVS's fouth season; I decided to consolidate a few things
1. To Survive: Spike: Pangs

To Survive

Disclaimer:Premise and Characters borrowed from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"

What do you need?

The latest fashion?The newest video game?A ticket to the in-crowd?

Grow-up.Those aren't needs, they're amusements.

What do you need?

Drugs?Alcohol?Cigarettes?

You did that to yourself.You'll get no sympathy from me.

What do you need?

Companionship?Friendship?Love?

Closer.Those are wants.It hurts to go without.It may feel like the lack will kill you, but it won't.Not literally at least, trust me.

What do you need?

Shelter?Warmth?Light?

You'll die without those true.I've heard freezin' to death is a very peaceful way to go.

What do you need?

Food?Air?Water?

Combine those into one.That's what blood is to us.

Now take them away.Better yet, put them behind an unbreakable glass wall.That way you can see them as you die from the lack of them.

That's what they've done to me.

The Watcher always wondered what happens to a vampire what can't feed.

Picture that last moment.The very last before you perish from the need.

Lungs screaming for air.

Tongue swollen, mouth parched with dryness.

Hunger unappeasable.Stomach distended.Skin stretched taunt over bones.Too weak to move.

They could set the most mouth waterin' meal not a foot away, but you can't reach for it.You've not the strength.

You'd think the pain would give you the strength, but you're too far gone.

Take that moment.Extend it.Lengthen it.Don't double it, or triple it.Expand it… into eternity.

Helpless.Powerless.Motionless.

Agony that never, ever ends.That you've no ability to end.All you can do is endure.

That's what it means for a vampire if they can't feed.

Stakes.Sunlight.Beheading.

That's what destroys us.But hunger?Hunger kills us.Kills us without the mercy of death.Dying.Forever.

I've seen it… Once.A punishment.We're not a merciful species, not even to each other.

I guess humans aren't either, but I won't go out like that.Not me.

What do you need?

I need to survive.


	2. Loving Her: Riley: Doomed

**Loving Her**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

The girl I think I'm falling for s a vampire slayer. Something I didn't even know existed until a few weeks ago. 

She's inhumanly strong; she fights against vampires with stakes, crosses and holy water. Them most high tech weapon I've seen her use is a crossbow. 

Dr. Walsh disapproves of her methods; we at the Initiative use the latest technologies. We work as part of a military unit with the backing of the United Sates Government. 

My team and I have captured seventeen hostiles. When Dr. Walsh asked Buffy what her record was she got a funny look on her face. I thought she might be embarrassed, that maybe the voice stealing hostiles were the only ones she'd ever faced. She's such a petite, delicate looking individual, even after seeing her in action I can hardly imagine her in a fight. 

Then she answers Dr. Walsh's question. "I don't know," she said. "I never really counted, about three or four a week on average since I was called." 

She was called when she was fifteen, that works out to over 600 hostiles. I didn't dream that there were that many of them in existence. 

I thought our secret identities gave us something in common. I guess it does, but we approach this from opposite ends of the spectrum. 

My world is grounded in what science can prove. Hostiles are simply exotic animals to be caged and studied. She has seen magic, went to High School on top of a Hellmouth. She calls the creatures we fight demons. She believes in good and evil. 

She asked what we hope to accomplish with the implants. She said they couldn't give a Vampire back its soul they just make it helpless. I never thought of a soul as something that could be taken from you. 

Dr. Walsh explained that the implants were a safety precaution for the researchers benefit. That answer doesn't make sense to me. 

Buffy asked what kind of research are we doing. 

Dr. Walsh didn't really answer that either. For the first time I'm really wondering what is done with the hostiles we bring in. 

I don't understand what Buffy is. At first glance she seemed like a typical freshman, a little lost, a little overwhelmed, not quite ready to loose the familiar security of High School. But with Buffy, I couldn't help but give her a second glance, and then another and another, I simply can't look away from her. Even before I had a clue as to what lay beyond that initial impression I was already falling for her. Now I've seen a little of what lies behind her façade. This slight young woman has saved the world, more than once. And there's still so much that she keeps back. 

I don't know what to think, but I love her. 

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	3. Thoughts, Hopes, Plans: Spike: Hush

**Thoughts, Hopes, Plans**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

It's funny, the things we think. We always fool ourselves that things can go back to the way they were. 

Look at Buffy and Angel for example, when he came back from Hell they thought things could be like they were back when they were pussy-footing around the word love. Like they was when I first saw 'em here in Sunnyhell. 

They couldn't, even without the whole soul loss thing they still couldn't of turned things back. "I love you," can't be unsaid, it changes a relationship forever. 

"Just friends," who did they think they were kidden, other than themselves o' course. 

But I'm not really one to talk. I've fooled meself as well. Told meself things I'd be like the old days after Angel lost his soul. They weren't. I was stuck in that blasted chair and he and Dru were all over each other. On top of that Angelus was going way overboard to prove he hadn't gone soft. 

Back afore the curse Angel hadn't been the type to destroy the world anymore than I am. Back then, even without his soul he'd been sane. 

I mean we vampires are right up at the top of the food chain. Why the Hell would we want to change that? 

Bring back the old ones; we end up their servants, at best. At worst they'll think like the Scourge and we'll be the ones hunted. I don't fancy that. Kill off all the mortals, what would we eat then? 

In the old day Angelus knew things like that. Back then we truly were the family that Dru called us. I think being held down by Angel's soul for all those years drove the demon round the bend in a serious way. 

But the truth was Angel weren't the only one in our little family to change. For almost a century it had been just Dru and me, and we'd grown up. Or at least I did. Angel was our sire, means he created us, he controlled and protected us as well. When Angel disappeared neither Dru nor I were ready to be on our own. It had never even occurred to either of us to challenge him. We were slow to mature; Angel liked us that way. He fixed Dru so she'd never be able to stand on her own. 

Me, I was a century old and still following him around like a puppy. Angel challenged Darla after only forty years; he did it by turning me. See in a coven new vampires are only brought across by the group's master, or with his or her permission. 

When Angel brought me home, Darla was going to destroy me as a punishment for Angel since he hadn't asked. Angel told her no, they fought, Angel won. After that Darla wasn't the dominant one in their relationship any more. 

Angel and Darla are real different about their children, I've seen that. Darla makes 'em on impulse, a pretty face catches her attention and she turns them ten minutes later, then gets bored with them in a decade or so. If they don't get broken first that is. Darla considered her children to be her toys, and she wasn't real good about taking care of those toys. Beyond that she'd never take a risk for them, they just weren't worth it to her. That's why Dru and me didn't go to her after Angel vanished. 

Angel on the other hand was a damned possessive bastard, and real choosy as well. He played with Dru for years, making her just what he wanted before turning her. He did the same with me, only he was a lot younger when I was made, I was his first childe. When he found me, I actually was a child, he couldn't keep me with him then, he wasn't ready for Darla to know about me yet. But he found people to take care of me for him. He'd usually get mad at them and kill em every time he came to see how I was. Then he'd have to find someone new. That made him the only stable figure in my life, the only one I could depend on to always come back, I think, sometimes, that he killed them for just that reason. 

Dru and I were the ones he took the most pains with, but I never knew him to take someone as a childe unless he knew them a mortal for at least a few months. Once Angel choose someone to be one of his children he didn't ever let them go, and he didn't allow anyone else to come near us. 

I've seen Angel get himself pretty bashed up on account of some more powerful vampire or other demon taking a fancy to one of his, but Angel never gave any of us up. He never lost either. Shear determination was the only explanation I have for that. That and the fact he doesn't believe in fighting fair. 

Cause of that we were loyal to him. Angel could risk getting broke up cause me and Dru and the other, we'd take care of him. See that he'd be protected while he healed. Most vamps wouldn't, most would kill anyone that showed weakness. Not us, Angel taught us we were stronger as a team. 

He told us we didn't have to worry about demons or other vamps or even the Slayer, cause they were all alone and we weren't. Cause even when other vamps worked together they feared and mistrusted one another, and that made them weaker. 

He remembered that when he went after Buffy. He took her friends from her before going for the kill, but he forgot that loyalty is earned, not given. So in the end she was alone, but then so was he. 

I betrayed Angel, broke our family. But he betrayed me first. Dru was mine; she'd always been mine. Even before the curse she'd been mine. Not mine alone, but still mine. Before the curse I handed minded sharing her affection with him, because I was his too. 

Then I was his first and favorite childe. His second in command, not just the butt of his stupid little jokes! Yes when he came back my spine was crushed and I was stuck in that damnable chair, but I'd been doing what he taught! 

I made Dru better. I went up against Soul-boy and the Slayer and their friends all to protect one of my own, Dru, the love of my unlife. And I got hurt doing it, so what? There's no shame in getting hurt. 

No one made fun when Angel was blind for almost two years after getting in a fight with a bunch of Katvean Demons what were trying to burn our lair around us. 

But when Angel came back to us he'd changed. It's the way of the world, everything, everyone changes and you can't go back. 

I thought I could go back by getting rid of the new and deproved version of Angelus. But to do that I had to team up with the Slayer, and Dru couldn't forgive that. I'd betrayed her. I tried everything I knew to undo that, even torture, but the past can't be changed, it just has to be lived with. 

Which is not to say I realized that straight off. After I gave up on Dru I tried to go back to how it had been before I fell in love with her. It dint' work any better. I'm not the demon I was back them. I'm not even the demon I was yesterday. 

I'm… we're all, forever, changing and trying to go back will only bring grief. I'm not what I was. I'm not a mortal boy waiting patiently for his hero's return. I'm not Angel's lieutenant. I'm not Dru's lover. I'm not the Slayer's mortal enemy. I'm not the "Big Bad." I'm not even a killer anymore, thanks to the thrice-damned Initiative. Tonight I learned I can still fight demons. I won't be a nothing. I can't be the bad guy. I guess I'll give being the good guy a go. 

The world moves forward, I've no choice but to do the same. 

Maybe I'll ask Angel for pointers on being a good vampire. Maybe I'll ask the little Witch to adapt the restoration spell and do it to Dru. Course she'll have to get rid of that ridiculous happiness clause, cause I intend to make Dru very, very happy. 

We couldn't go back to what we had been, but maybe, it we all change enough we could come back together as something new and better. 

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	4. Questions: Buffy: Goodbye Iowa

**Questions**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

What was I supposed to say when Riley asked if I were surprised to see him in bed with me the morning after we made love? 

That this was the third time I'd had sex and after the first two I'd woken up alone? 

That the first guy I ever slept with lost his soul because of it? Then spent the next several months trying to kill or destroy everything I cared about? 

That the second guy I slept with turned out to be a jerk that never cared about me at all? 

Still Riley was there when I woke up. He was watching me sleep, still the same person he'd been the night before, still loving me. That felt good, it made me feel special, right, confident. 

Then his alarm goes off, reminding him to take his vitamins. Which starts me asking questions. Cause Riley may be the person I went to sleep with last night, but suddenly I realize that there's an awful about that person that I don't know. 

Riley doesn't ask questions, he follows orders. It's what he was trained to do, in covert ops; I didn't even know he was really in the military! I though he was my psych TA who had a weird night job that was similar to my own. Turns out that that night job is what he really is, the TA is just a cover story. I didn't know that. 

I bet the Watcher's council wishes I were like that. The Watcher's Council would have had me let Angel die after Faith poisoned him. I wonder what Riley would have done in my place, if it had been me dying. Would he have followed orders and let me die? Would he have just believed that it was for the greater good because his superiors said so? 

You know this isn't just a hypothetical question anymore. Not as of a few hours ago. Not since Professor Walsh set me up. Professor Walsh, Riley's boss, sent me into a trap, she expected me to die. 

Apparently she thinks it's for the greater good that I die. What does Riley think? He doesn't ask questions, he trusts what his superiors say. They say I should die, does Riley agree with them? 

He slept with me. He loves me. What does that mean to him? I don't know. 

Will he ask question when they tell him to kill me? Will he follow orders then? 

Why can't my love life ever be simple? 

A two hundred and forty year old vampire cursed with a soul; a guy with a death wish; an old friend who wanted to trade my life for being turned into a vampire; a frat guy who wanted to sacrifice me to a nasty snake-monster in his basement. Plus two relatively normal guys who thought I was a normal girl, who both dumped me in under a month. 

And now there's Riley. Riley Finn, my cute psych TA, a grad student from a nice normal farm in Iowa. Agent Finn, trained by the US government in covert operations, one of the Commandos running around Sunnydale. These guys hunt demons as part of their night job, they call them Hostile Sub-terrestrials. When they catch them they turn them over to the research types, no questions asked. 

Willow wondered what they planned to do with the demons they catch once they're done experimenting. I wonder that myself. What were they going to do with Spike? Leave him to slowly starve to death? Keep him in one of those itty-bitty holding cells for the rest of his life? Forever? 

Spike may be evil, but he's a person… well sort of. I'd go nuts locked up in one those cells. No privacy, no rights, no room to move, people cutting him open and doing whatever they like to him. 

Vampires kill people. I kill vampires to protect people. I couldn't kill Spike because he was pathetic and helpless; because Spike has helped me in the past, even if was for his own, selfish, reasons; because I know Spike can love and feel pain just like me. 

Vampires are just demons, demons are just evil, therefore I kill them, and it's okay that the Initiative tortures them. Except Angel's not evil, he has a soul, but he's still a vampire. Would the Initiative take the time to figure out that he's different or would they just put him on a table and start cutting? Whistler's a demon, but he's not evil, how would the Initiative figure that out? From what Spike's said they aren't real big on talking to HST's. 

God, I'm not even comfortable with what they did to Spike, and he's a for real evil demon. But it's like those Jeans Accords they told us about in history class: There are certain things you can do to the other side during a war and there are things you don't do, not if you're a civilized being. 

I think putting a mind control chips in the other peoples heads would count as something not to do. 

And now the Initiative thinks I'm a threat, a hostile. What did I do? Ask too many questions? Was I too good at killing demons? Was I getting on their turf? What!? 

Will they chop up my dead body to figure out what makes me different from other people? I already know that they aren't interested in a live capture when it comes to me. Why am I such a danger to them? I joined them. I thought we were on the same side. 

Riley said Professor Walsh liked me, but she still sent me into a trap. What orders would Riley follow with regards to me? 

I trusted Angel enough to let him feed from me. I don't know how far I trust Riley. 

He follows orders, he doesn't ask questions. A lot of really bad things have happened because of people blindly following orders. How do you know you're doing the right thing if you don't think for yourself? If you don't question what is going on around you? 

Why do I keep falling in love with the wrong guy? 

The End 

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	5. Hollow: Spike: Goodbye Iowa

**Hollow**

Disclaimer: Characters and Premise are borrowed from the show "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."

I'm scared and I'm alone and I don't like it. How does Angel stand it, hated by demons, not trusted by humans and so very, very alone. 

Soul or no he's still a vampire, were a social type of demon. We aren't meant to be alone. We're derived from humans, who are community minded, so it follows that we'd tend to group as well. 

Course we don't, as a rule, socialize with humans, it would be too weird, talking to the food. But I need to talk to something. Touch someone. Vampires don't just talk, we're fairly physcial in our communications, be it casual, to show affection or to threaten we touch. It's how we are. 

The Slayer's chums, they probably run screaming from the room if I tried to touch one of them, even if it were just a causal pat on the shoulder. They'd never touch me, not unless it were to tie me up. Hell even when they did that they wouldn't touch me. They can hardly look at me, don't like to talk to me none either. 

I wonder had Angel stood it. Course Buffy like him, if this were how they all started acting during that last year I can see why he left. It's bloody awful, and I can't go back to the other vampires, not like I am. Now that words gotten out about me and the Slayer, maybe not ever. 

What's even worse is the fear. I'm not used to being afraid, I'm a master vampire that's killed two slayers, there's not much I'm afraid of. I'm not afraid of Buffy, she's the strongest slayer I've ever seen, someday she might kill me but I don't fear her. We'll fight, someday it won't be a draw, one of us will die, that's fate. The commandos and their research types, thought they're different. 

I don't know what more they'll do to me if they get me back. That uncertainty makes me afraid. They've already taken a part of who and what I am. If they get me back I'm not sure what they'll leave me. 

I wonder if the gypsies were more kind, they took what Angelus was but they gave him something else to fill the void. The Initiative could do nothing but take. They left me hollow, not what I was nor anything else. 

And there's no one to tell me how to fill the holes, no one to care what becomes of me. How do I live like this? 

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